Kedo Peseyie
Many years back I remember sitting in a church service listening to a sharing of a broken hearted father who was also a deacon in the church. The father was a very upright man, impeccable in his character and profession. Unfortunately one of his daughters had not done well and was excommunicated from the church. Quoting the Bible, this father stated that a man who cannot take proper care of his children is not worthy to be a leader in the church. He pleaded with the church to relief him from his responsibility as a deacon in the church.
It was truly a disheartening moment for all the listeners. Some agreed with the man and admired his upright decision. I was confused whether this was really the wise thing to do. Somehow it did not make sense and it did not sound very fair that the wayward behaviour of an adult daughter who had the ability to make right choices should lead a father to resign from church leadership.
If we go by the logic of this man, then we may ultimately come to the conclusion that God himself would be disqualified from church leadership because there are full of his wayward children walking this planet right from the time of Adam and Eve to now. As we read the Old Testament, we find traces of the tears, anger and longing of a broken hearted Father calling His wayward children back to repentance and faith. God also had children and most of them turned out to be disobedient.
But before we remove all the blame from the earthly fathers and condemn their children, we also need to see a basic difference between our Heavenly Father and the many earthly fathers we see around us.
God did everything for us. He did not rest until He was able to say with satisfaction, “It is finished”. He not only left us with proper instructions, He also gave us the power we need to carry out those instructions in the right way. He never had to look back and wonder, “Maybe I’ve missed out an important element because so many of my children are going wrong”. He knew He got it right. Yes, He “nailed” it.
But alas, many earthly fathers release their children without proper instructions and training in discipline and later conveniently put the blame on wrong friends, generation gap, etc. There will come a time to release those whom God has given us. But that time will come only after we can confidently say like Jesus, “It is finished, remember my example and teaching, my son and daughter, go out and face the world”.
Coming back to the deacon, I do not know whether resigning from church leadership was the right thing to do. What pains my heart more is to see a broken hearted father blaming himself for the wayward behaviour of the children. Is the father really to be blamed? Is this a burden he must bear alone?
Ezekiel 18 gives us some interesting insights. There we find a parable about a man who was righteous in all his ways. He never did anything wrong and lived in the fear of the Lord. This righteous man had an evil son who was completely the opposite of everything the father was. He never did anything right and defied God in everything he did. Then to this evil man was born a son who turned out to be a very righteous man. He did everything in the righteous way.
We find the point of this story in Ezekiel 18:4: “For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son—both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die”. And verse 20: “…The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor the father share the guilt of the son. The righteousness of the righteous will be credited to him, and the wickedness of the wicked will be charged against him.”
I hope this will bring comfort to some elderly fathers who may be looking back with regret and looking forward with apprehension because of a son or daughter who blew it in life. I know I have made terrible mistakes in my life even wondering if I could ever recover sometimes. And it would be really foolish if I were to blame my father for even the smallest of those mistakes. You see, in a story Jesus told, the father is nowhere blamed for the rebellious wanderings of the prodigal son. But the point of the story is the father who loves, prays and waits for the prodigal son to return.
God does not put blame on anyone. But He does put responsibilities. Malachi 2:15 tells us that God is seeking “godly offspring” from families. If we fail to provide “godly offspring”, the results as we know, can be devastating to the society.
And so we begin in this sacred task of raising “godly offspring”, not with a sense of guilt and blame, but with faith, hope and love; with a sense of service to God and service to the children; and with a sense of brokenness and humility before God. We do need fathers who will not be ashamed to play the part of the Broken Hearted Father who gave His all, sacrificing His glory and majesty and honour, came seeking in the form of a servant.
The first important thing is prayer. Many things that happen in the lives of those we love are beyond our control. But we have this powerful weapon of intercessory prayer. We do hear a lot of praying mothers agonising in prayer for their children. But we hear very less of praying fathers. In his book “Parenting isn’t for cowards”, James Dobson writes that he prays this prayer with his wife everyday:
“Be there dear Father, in the moment of decision when two paths present themselves to our children, especially during that time when they are beyond our direct influence. Send others who will help them do what’s righteous and just.”
Not just prayers of my father, but I have always valued the times my father spent with me. My father lost one leg in an accident before I was born. But he never denied his family the privileges of having a father with both legs intact. The sole breadwinner in the family, that was how he, along with my mother raised my sister, my broter and I. In my entire 31 years of my life, I never heard him complain about his situation. As we were growing up, he took us mountain climbing, played hide and seek with us, taught my brother and I how to drive, built the rabbit house, drove us to church for choir practises. He did all these, and more, with a big artificial limb on the left leg. Sometimes we forgot this artificial limb, for he made it easy for us to forget.
As I grew older, I later shared my father’s interest in reading, writing and journalism. And today I know that those times spent in doing small things together and developing useful hobbies were truly worth it. The song “The leader of the band” aptly expresses this feeling of gratefulness. This is a touching song about a man who shares his love for music with his elderly father. The song goes:
An only child alone and wild
A cabinet maker’s son
His hands were made for a different work
And his heart was known to none
He left his home and went his lone and solitary way
And he gave to me a gift I know I can never repay
A quiet man of music denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldn’t wait
He earned his love through discipline
A thundering velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand
The leader of the band is tired
His eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument
And his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I am just a living legacy to the leader of the band
My brother’s life were different
For they heard another call
One went to Chicago and the other to St. Paul
And I am in Colorado when I am not in some hotel
Living out this life I’ve chose
And come to know so well
Thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And Papa, I don’t think I said
I love you near enough.
There is also a desperate need for fathers who can be examples to their children and other young people. We often hear of rich fathers who try to fill the gap with money and gadgets for their children. Then there is the poor father who is ever complaining and warning the children for asking too much. Aren’t we glad God didn’t pour out His riches from heaven, but came down himself and walked with us? And aren’t we glad He never complaint that He was a poor man while He walked in this world? The first man a boy looks to for some clue as to how to behave is obviously his father. Ability or inability to provide is not the issue. Young people need examples they can follow. And if they can find a good example in you, you can be sure that you have won them over.
One of the most touching testimonies I’ve heard was from a young college student who declared to a well-off audience, “I am proud to say that my father is a farmer in my village because without him we’d have no rice to eat. And I am proud because he is an honest man.” Can the other children from the well-off families say the same thing? I wonder. And to all dear mothers and fathers, let me close with these words. Your efforts and labours are valuable. Someday they will bear fruit. You don’t have to give us everything we ask for. Someday we will understand. But train us up in the way we should go. Someday we will learn to walk in it. And we will never depart from it.
(Writer’s note: This article was first published in the June 2006 issue of the Attitude Magazine. Used with the permission of the editor, Attitude.)
